Collaborative Divorce Leads to Collaboration

by Rosalinda O'Neill and Ron Supancic, Esq.

“Becoming involved in a lawsuit is like being ground to bits in a slow mill or being roasted in a slow fire.” —Charles Dickens, Bleak House, 1853.

Every man or woman who has been through a traditional, litigated divorce knows that the above quote can be true. Today, a better choice for you, and those you care about, is Collaborative Divorce.

In Collaborative Divorce, the parties and their lawyers sign a participation agreement that precludes any and all contested proceedings. They agree to negotiate face to face, disclose all relevant information, and engage neutral experts needed to assist in resolving issues. Collaborative Divorce encourages collaboration between the divorcing couple and between the professionals they hire. It is designed as a holistic process and so may involve not only collaborative attorneys, but mediators, psychotherapists, accountants, and others. Collaborative Divorce costs much less than the traditional, hellish court proceedings practiced by most attorneys today. In Canada, where Collaborative Divorce is more common, it costs on average two-thirds less than traditional divorce.

We met after both of us had been working in the same direction: helping couples through the divorce process in a caring and thoughtful way, or helping them recommit to creating a good marriage. Ron had created a new word in the divorce vocabulary to replace "dissolution." He uses ReSolution™, defined as "the point at which conflict comes to an end in harmony" (World English Dictionary). Rosalinda had coined the phrase, Married For Life®, which is a choice couples can make about their relationship. In the collaborative process, we give practical tools and training on how to have a great Married For Life marriage and end a bad marriage through ReSolution&tm;, not dissolution.

We each have over 25 years experience and wisdom helping our clients through the tragedy of divorce and preventing divorce. We personally know the pain of divorce for the children and Rosalinda knows the pain of marriage ending in divorce. We are both children of divorce. Ron did not see his father for many years after his mother divorced his father and Rosalinda did not see her father for over 20 years when her mother divorced her father. Rosalinda’s father was not allowed to see her again. By the time Rosalinda discovered him when she was 23, they could not rekindle the great love they had for each other when she was a baby and toddler.

Ron’s father was also not allowed to see him. His mother had him adopted by his stepfather, but his father found him in the church where he was an altar boy. His mother gave him permission then to spend time with his father as long as his stepfather did not know about it. His father moved away shortly afterwards and Ron didn’t see him again until Ron was 19 and in the Navy.

Everything we do as a collaborative lawyer and psychotherapist today gives husbands and wives the knowledge, technology, and tools to make fully informed, intelligent decisions about ending their marriage and beginning a new life without destroying themselves, their relationships, or their children’s futures. We help them keep good relationships with their children, and negotiate their ongoing relationship with the children’s other parent.

All professionals in Collaborative Divorce play a key role. If emotions are running high and communication is not working for the couple, they will find it difficult to work together. The husband and wife can complete an assessment of their marriage online. Rosalinda helps the couple understand the meaning of the results. She works with the couple to develop the level of communication and skills that they need to learn to successfully complete their divorce in the good way they both want. She can also act as a case manager, managing the team that is assembled for this husband and wife to have a successful outcome to their divorce. This enables the man and woman to move forward with their life with a greater probability of applying what they learn with us to choosing a better future marriage.

The collaborative process is not just for couples beginning a divorce. Many couples come to us just looking for help in making an informed, intelligent decision. The couple can learn what they must do to heal their marriage, if they are so inclined. If divorce is chosen, they now have great information to help them with the divorce and survive their continuing relationship as parents.

We give our clients a divorce that ends with them alive and as happy as possible, not dead. We invest our lives in the possibility of men and women thriving past their divorce.

They can reorganize their lives in ways in which relationships are healed or at least tolerable, communication and relationship skills are improved, and parenting strategies are in harmony. We know conflict is a doorway to consciousness, compassion, love, and respect.

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